The Power of Connection
Years ago, when I was dancing, I used to explain people differences between the ballroom tango and Argentine (social) tango.
The ballroom tango may look beautiful and passionate. Every step, every look is a fruit of many rehearsals and oriented towards the viewer. Every step, every look is known and if you remove one partner and introduce another one instead, no dance would be possible for a while. It is a series of statements, not an alive and ongoing conversation. I don’t say that there is no lively connection possible between the two partners, but this staged dance is not a metaphor for life.
The Argentine tango is for two people only, unless it is a tango show. But for now let’s stay within a milonga, which is a social tango dancing party. Those two let the music enter into their relationship and they have to be social about other couples they share the dancefloor with but that’s it. It might be exquisite to watch but it also might be boring to an untrained eye. What happens between them is not for anyone else. They need to create a conversation where the leader invites and the follower responds. And nowadays they even might change roles! To create that conversation, they need to find a connection, a place from where they might become one and improvise. They never know for sure what’s going to happen next and how their partner will respond. That’s the way life happens. (And obviously like in real life, sometimes you have to listen to an endless monologue, and sometimes you are left chatting about the weather).
I haven’t been dancing for years. But now I am working with children and adults who need to improve their organization for various reasons. To be able to help them, I need to create a dance where I am guiding them and listening to their response and creating conditions for their learning. You see, I am not able to fix anybody. But I am finding it possible to deeply connect with them through touch.
Last week I was working with a child whose arrival to this world had been eventful, to say the least. Easy and effortless breathing is one of the things that are not given to her for granted. At some moment I was able to connect with her breathing and guide it with mine. Two became one, and she was as quiet and calm as never. This felt like a totally new experience for her. And it felt very special to me.
A few days later I had a conversation with fellow practitioners about how this kind of work is different, how we are more interested in connecting than fixing, in seeing and creating possibilities rather than just supporting a form or a statement: visible milestones.
A child might be able to stand, but how does he/she transition from sitting to standing? Is he/she able to move from this quality of standing easily and in any direction? How did the unfolding of this capacity to move from lying to sitting and standing happen to them?
After having finished that conversation I was awarded a weekend morning kitchen dance by my husband. Instead of just staying in it I tried to find the same quality of connection I had experienced earlier and then unexpectedly for him, made a step backwards. I have never had to lead in a dance before. But he easily followed my suggestion and it felt light and delightful. The pure embodiment of the idea that in order to lead someone somewhere you need to get connected with them first.
No matter what needs to happen for the person you care for or work with, try this out: meet them where they are, connect with them deeply, form a clear intention and see how you’ll be able to get them to a different place.
Abrazo (which means "Hug" in Spanish)
Alina